1. I realize that you cant always make everyone happy and eventually you have to be in charge of your own happiness, but it is important to talk with those close to you and try to understand what they are feeling and also the reverse, have the children try and understand what the spouse is feeling. That was tough, as it was my Moms house too and this woman just moved in and took over. Morally, she is culpable for her indifference to my sufferings but he permitted her to behave the way she did and does. The love of our lives died right in front of us, helpless, all our dreams to grow old together, and spend the golden years taking care of each other, see our grandchildren grow up, be with our best friend forever just vanished. Did you ever think you would be grieving like you are? After all, his needs werent being met. I wondered how he would ever be able to cope without my mom. He basically just uses his and my moms house to sleep in. Minister here. So cheer up girls you could be dealing with multiple step families. It's very healthy to share these feelings with a loved one. It really helps me try and understand my situation. You are still very young, and it's a very early age to lose a parent, so take time for yourself too. I also know that turning on the 70s music playlist will make dinosaur tears run over my smiling cheeks, and that hearing the lyrics to MacArthur Park will always bring me to a place of griefbut it can also be a peaceful place of remembrance. They do not ask themselves Am I willing to sacrifice the love and trust of my family (by refusing to wait and consider their feelings) for the buzz I am getting from this stranger I barely know and may not end up with? Do you get what I am trying to say? It felt so good to get on this website and read that so many other people are experience the same things that I am. But an immature part of me hope he feels guilty for moving on from my Mum, who he adored. My husbands stepfather has been in his life since he was five years old. The damage done can not be undone. It happened so fast. He just cant see it. Ellen has the strangest relationship with her two adult sons, or at least it seems strange to me. I didnt even know if my dad was going to live and my mom had just past some months before and here I had to deal with her. Someone had given my husband & me tickets to a Christmas symphony orchestra performance a week or so after dads decorating party tickets for 4. What if the resentment comes from the girlfriend? That I keep this house a MESS. I have gone through the grief process from both sides. Like others have explained, I also feel like I have lost my father. So I concentrate on making myself and my son happy for right now. Practice remembering hard, so that you still can when you're older. Daddy has made her co-dependent on him for everything! I only would like some acceptance and respect. You have no idea how much it will help. On thanks giving my dad was not feeling up to leaving the house, but guess who showed up? Did not care that this 410 person was losing some much weight she was skin and bone, I finally got her to switch to different doctor who after the first test (which the other had done several times) knew exactly what was wrong , she had stomach cancer. Just a couple weeks after her death I found out that my dad received pictures of Young Filipino women, 3 different women, and on top of that it was from a distant family member whom divorced my aunt and remarried an American Filipino women. We took care of our spouses at home, tube feeding, hospice, hospital visits, radiation therapy and chemotherapies. I would also suggest trying to help your mother get through the day with daily chores. She also tried to tell me that her and my mom were friends yet I know my mom did not care for her, and if thats a friend who needs enemies. Kind regards Gaynor, I am in the same situation, I am the oldest of 5 children, the other 4 have diffrent views but basically they dont want to piss daddy off because they might get the treatment I am getting. . So sent him pictures etc. But unbeknownst to me the D and the S 22 could not accept a new women in dads life. I have a huge problem with this. If he wants these things packed up, family should do it, not girlfriends. I hope this post doesn't diminish any of your feelings, and I really hope you're taking care of yourself - it sounds like you are - but you asked how to help your mother, so I focused on that. My sister & I cry many times throughout the day. Dads drinking and acting like a nut with this woman. He lives alone just waiting for her to phone or say she will visit him. While you want your father to find happiness and companionship, it also feels threatening to the memory of your mother, and an intrusion to your family unit as it was. In your case the perpetrator was your wife so perhaps with work you would learn to trust another again. When my mom passed, I realized almost immediately how little of a relationship I had with my dad. I have to tell you that although Britain is a first world country there are many people who see the U.S as a golden ticket. He didnt tell any of us- he just did it. He said it wasnt his fault that theyve grown apart and theres nothing he can do about it. I am also dealing with the situation of my father being remarried after my Mom passed away. Maybe help her out around the house. My Mom died December 7, 2008 after a 4 year fight with bone cancer. One week after my mother passed a women that was a member at the same club as my parents contacted my dad to send her condolences, saying she had just found out about my mom. Not once did she admit any wrong doing or remorse for her callusness or for disrespecting my mothers memory. I know way back in my high-school days my mom who acted as the girl in their relationship had an affair I was devastated but to cut the story short when my mom died may 2018 months after around Dec this woman named Cecil started showing up at first I was angry memories and anger that I felt way back came rushing back it was Christmas I didnt want to ruin my moms night I stayed quiet and understood she needed companion. We kids need him. I cannot access my father without taking on the girlfriend as well. Wake up! She is in the relationship for selfish reasons. They want people to be happy that they are together and getting married, but she has not earned that, nor is she entitled to dictate my feelings or any one elses. again Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. He is clearly uncomfortable talking about any grief that he is feeling now but says, talking with women online makes him feel better. My mom and I were very close before she got sick and got even closer during her illness, so this feels like a violation to me in so many ways. Sometime late in 2014, he connected with an old college friend and they began dating, and I was surprised by how ok I was with it. So I am basically stuck in this seething state of anger and resentment while also trying to deal with the grief of losing my mother. I have been there and am still there after many years. We only dated for 3 short, wonderful months. When all of this was happening, I went numb. Funny I said to my husband recently that if someone had said to me that for the amount of money I may inherit I could have not gone through 35 years of trauma I would gladly have given up the cash. WebWhile it's reasonable to ask him to find his own place because money isn't an issue, you can't expect him to leave on the spot. Do we accept presents from them for the girls and allow them to speak with them on birthdays and Christmas? I have felt exactly the same way weird even down to the comments- but it is my mom that accessed a dating site 3 1/2 months after my stepdad for 25 years passed suddenly and unexpectedly. Interesting then that my brother would come home the other night to find them cuddling on the couch at my dads house. Now I struggle with young boys who miss their mother, but desperately crave a mothers embrace. The woman I married and loved did not even resemble the women who died after nearly five years of illness. I did because I loved him and felt so very sad for him losing mom and dealing with his own cancer. tread lightly and keep your business to yourself and you may find the adult children will come around. Do you want to? Does your mother want and/or need you to move in? Dont do it only for appeasing the feeling of familial obligations. You may both The gossiping and meddling that has started to take place- my dads girlfriend is at the center of all the drama. I was so angry I blew up. A therapist sounds like it could help, but I know theres no changing my dads mind or attitude about anything. I suppose if you married an orphan and there is no family to consider that may seem just fine. I miss my dad-and mom-so much. There is a train and buses and a taxi driver who lives 2 doors down from my father. I agree that we just feel the way we feel. I dont want to lose my dad but knowing he seems to be ready to give his family up over a stranger from Belarus, it makes me think seriously about my own life and what I need and who I need in my life to be happy. People I trust who Ive spoken to about this all say the same thing, to develop some kind of communication with the girlfriend. I'm very sorry for your loss. But Im still reeling over a set of events that happened this last Christmas, our first without my Mother-in-law. I am sick of hearing about Its so lonely It is a sad day when a grown person cant entertain themselves. Dad told my brother in law they had slept together hundreds of times. Claims that i do everything to aggravate her. Your new partner will replace your old one but for the family left reeling from the impact of this new relationship there are wounds from which they may never recover. This is a tough time, since you are grieving and also trying to help someone else who is grieving. Maybe over time our feelings will change. Oh how I wish I had found this website after my Mother passed,18 months ago. Dad has us get rid of Moms clothes the very weekend of her funeral. 2. Frankly, to heck with him and with her. Hi Lisa, It's very helpful to meet other people with similar, and maybe even worse circumstances than your own. The nerve!!! She physically abandoned her family but my father mentally abandoned his. What did he do around the house? For (mostly) financial reasons, my brother and I are still living with my father while we attend college. Even if this new romance proves long- lived and even if the person turns out to have an admirable and loveable character- the damage has been done. So that is the short version of my story. Never. This happened twice before he moved back home for good. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. My future step daughters (in their late 20s) do not accept that my fianc have a new person in his life. She complained that when we were away, everyone bowed to me and did everything for me. We suffered with them too as well as all the family members. With more time for our family to grieve and to have our dad, I think we would have had a much easier time accepting his new wife. 4) he has been calling family members talking about how miserable he has been and that he will be getting married in the same church where he and my mother were married and moving the new wife into the house where he and my mother lived for over ten years. And how dare him talk to me like this about the other woman. So, please continue to allow yourself your grief, but also proactively seek the healing support from others and also through new experiences. I told him kindly, and honestly tonight, that I am not interested, nor do I want to meet anyone at this time- the pain is too much. Its up to him. Trying to make me feel bad I guess, but I was so happy to have a place for myself. Im 14 and my mom passed away a bit over a year ago, we were really close and she meant the world to me, she still does. Hi, please somebody help me this is unlike anything Ive been able to find on the Internet. He so does not need this drama, but I dont know what to do at this point. When she gets upset, she doesn't eat, and really the only reason she cooked was for my dad and us. You have every right to have your own place! As difficult as it is, the marriage vows are until death do us part. I feel my father has betrayed me, failed to live by the promise he made mom to be there for his two girls, and his words that he would never get another woman when mom died. Meaghan, when you bend over backwards, you are likely to lose your balance. For me expressions such as Youll have more,There was obviously something wrong with it,At least you already have a child beggar belief. I am 56 and still feel the same way. Yes thats right 9hours could be more. All I have known for 26 years of my life is the love between my mother and my father. There is another of them tastefully making outI told him, once again, that this WAS AWKWARD. Like he didnt really want to be here. I should also mention that he is well aware that some of the children, who were especially close to Mom, are struggling a great deal with this. By June of this year, he went on a family trip of hers, to visit her nieces college graduation?! Your thing to do here is just be there for her. He called me the next day and was surprisingly understanding about not forcing his relationship on me or making me watch home makeout with his girlfriend as he did in the hospital. I dont understand. Good luck and goodbye Mother Dear! We are all somewhat scarred from all weve been through. It was as though this terrible thing happened and now nothing could be right. No one could fail to feel for the terrible situation in which you were left. Its ok to be sad/messed up! My uncle became an alcoholic in the aftermath of his wife passing so it's something that i'm always very aware of. My mom had a disability in her legs for as long as I can remember and as she got older, it got worse and she got to the point of not being able to walk. Ugh!! My mother passed away September 15, 2011 suddenly and unexpectedly to a massive heart attack. I am finding myself angry with him and frustrated. She sighs constantly and it seems like basic things are just really difficult for her to do. I think that's what my dad would want, but I'm not sure. It is true that we should think about how our loved ones wanted us to be, because we can pay tribute to them and we can have them in our lives forever. To me that is the ultimate low in character. And how can I have respect for the other woman who can so easily insert herself into a deceased womans home? I pray every day for my Mother and for acceptance. We live nine hours apart, and I suggested meeting somewhere in the middle with a counselor. I kept asking Dad to find someone that liked his family..he chooses not to be alone. (he has cancer) I told her wed probably be gone by then and for 1000 a month Id rather pay into my own living space not just a small room.. but she stated I should want to stay and help my mom. Your choices are agonising ones. 9 Likes, 0 Comments - Life Coach (@lindadrosdowech) on Instagram: I was struggling after my dad died with my moms dementia, extended family issues, and oh yeah, Scott suggested giving your stepson concrete check-ins about his move-out status, and boundaries for the time being as you continue to cohabitate. Thanks to whoever can help or give some insight. Then he started calling her on the cellphone. My sister doesnt live here and takes my dads side cuz she didnt have to experience this like I did. My aunts son married a girl from the Philippines and after he died the daughter in law was always writing asking for money for various family crisis. i lost a lot of friends because I didn't want to be a mess around them but I learned later they didn't mind if i broke down in front of them they still enjoyed the times when I wasn't sad and understood why i was sad. I live in a different city than my dad, so I think it hit home for him when he could see how physically upset I was. We, siblings were there daily for them as they went through this and Dad was very needy, calling me 3 to 4 times a day, wanting me to come over and sit with him. I found out that life wasnt over, that I could laugh again, that I could feel almost like the happy person that I have always been, and that it was a possibility that I could be in a happy relationship with someone else again. I know it is 2017 and my mom passed 5 months ago, but your message was as if I wrote it. My wife passed away on February 22, 2014 after a very very long battle with alcoholism. For me, its not about replacing his wife or her presence in the family. Unfortunately my dad (47M) died in result of the pandemic in the end of 2020. Death is sad no matter who weve lostthats why we all cry when Mufasa dies in The Lion King. NTA. We have not even gone thru my moms stuff yet. It would be appalling enough to celebrate without your Mom but to have a young girl thrust upon you is just too much. So he breaks up with her. I lost my mother in 1995, i was 14 years old. This woman is a widow, and was my fathers high school sweetheart, which makes it even harder for me to think that maybe they have harbored feelings for one another over the years. Perhaps just go out with death and this will never an unhappy outcome. My mom passed away in February & the woman that came knocking at my front door was my moms first cousin. I cant begin to write about all that has happened since I posted. Its all about her family and that is what hurts. He has chosen her over me and Im in straight hell constantly being reminded of my moms death as she is living much better in my house with her nose in the sky and always wnjoying when me and dad fight cuz of her. We were home a week then they left again on a trip to Hawaii. They are not asking their parent to not see this person, they are just wanting their parent to understand that they are not ready to accept them into their lives- just yet. I love him so much, and no, I dont want him to be alone the rest of his life, but my mom deserves so much more than this. He draws a proverbial line in the sand at times and lets me know there will be a vile atmosphere if I dare ask questions. My sister and her family went to surprise them. Ive accepted that its okay to miss my dad deeply, and to be sorrowful that I didn't have a better relationship with him earlier in life. It is disappointing and offensive to know that the 20 plus years of marriage he had with my mother, doesnt seem to matter much now as he has decided he cant be alone and has needs. Its been three years since my mother passed away and I am still finding it difficult to be around my dad and his new wife. Despite the fact that she tried to be affectionate at first, she has never called me to ask how I am doing or how my children are doing. You do not exist to subsidize your mother's life. We all are afraid to be alone, we are human beings, social by nature. Since he can no longer drive she holds all the power. Did it make me angry at her? I would hate for one of Ellens sons to get them and sell them. AND my dad is now the proud owner of two hens in his backyard, as well as a 2 burner outdoor stove for cooking pho broth.. Basically who is he?!? Our house was a mausoleum. When someone dies, especially a mother, the significant other isnt the only one to suffer a loss, it involves the entire family. I live in England and certainly at that time no garage would have been open. My dad sped up the selling of the house and ended up moving in with his girl friend in May after I graduated. Can you ask more of me? How bazaar! He made it clear that he had already made a commitment and promise to marry this woman somewhere down the road. She wears daisy duke shorts and mini skirts and tight dresses. My mom has lived on her own since my dad died in 2017, first in a seniors retirement community, now in her own condo. I understand he has to get on with his life but he picked the first thing that came along and I think he feels like he has to settle because of his facial/body disfigurments. I lost my mother in November 2009 to heart disease. Read a book, watch a movie, a ballgame, get online, visit a friend or family member. She just seems like she tries too hard. I now had to take care of my moms mom who had dementia in her home while my dad is busy in the first stages of a love relationship right after my mom died in our house. Which my mom and her friend did say he was not there trying to replace my dad.
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